You Make My Life

"To know someone here or there, with whom you can feel there is understanding in spite of distances or thoughts expressed. That can make life a garden." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Sometimes you come in contact with people in the most random of places. You might meet your future husband in line to pay for groceries...you could shake hands with the next Bill Gates without even realizing it. Some of the most average encounters could bring the most extraordinary people into your life.

...and in my case, I found my two best friends. (:

Chrisselle Mowatt and Hammy Havoc are two of the most incredible people I have ever met. They make me laugh. They make me smile. They let me know it's okay to dream and be silly. They love me for who I am. They don't judge me for my past...and they promise to be there for me in the future. They're just the type of people you have to ask yourself "Why are they MY friend?" Too good to be true, almost. But it is, and I'm incredibly lucky.


Their talent is endless; I'm in awe at times at some of the things they produce. Chrisselle is an amazing writer, and can give you a perspective of things that is so raw, and so tender...but at the same time amazingly REAL. She's also one of the best photographers I've ever known. She captures images that make you think "Is this actually real? How did I miss that?" And Hammy...his music is...amazing isn't even a good adjective for it. You listen to it, and you can feel all of the emotion put into it. Not only is it beautiful, but it's about things you can actually relate to. He's an independent artist, so it's just MUSIC...not some gimmick like the garbage they play on the radio. He produces what he does to get it out to the world, not to make a buck. He's such an inspiration to me.

Not only are they talented, but they're the most caring people I know. They would do anything in their power to help me. I believe they would even go above and beyond their abilities to do so.
There's not a day that goes by when we don't talk about how much we love each other, and how much we appreciate each other. I never have to wonder what they're thinking. It's so great to be completely honest with someone. They're not just fair-weather friends; even when things get rough, and clouds gather overhead, they stick beside me.

In a few months, I'm traveling to Liverpool to spend mine and Hammy's birthday with them. I am so incredibly excited about this, and you can rest assured that they will be getting the biggest hugs anyone has every received in their life!

There's not much more to say in this post, other than this...

Hammy & Chrisselle:
Thank you so much for everything you've given me...everything from a listening ear, advice, a scolding when I need it, and even just a good laugh. I love you guys so much, and I am so glad you stumbled into my life. Without you two, I wouldn't be me. Most of all...thank you for just being yourselves. ♥

Get Pang A New Xbox

Struggling college student.
Want to help?

Here ya go!

Amount to Something?

Okay...so I'm a jerk, and I'm a weirdo,
And even if I'm lucky I'll amount to zero,
But I thought that you'd love me anyway,
I'm so not even worth it,
But baby, no one's perfect,
Yeah I thought that you'd love me anyway,
Anyway...
"Anyway" by Wheatus

I'm in the slump of the century it seems like. Everyday I wake up hoping to know what I want out of my life, but nine times out of ten, I'm still just as clueless as the night before. I used to be the girl who knew everything she wanted, who had everything under control. As of late, I've turned into one of the people I used to make fun of; a melodramatic, angst-ridden teenager asking every five seconds "What is the purpose of my life?"

I have all of these dreams, all of these passions, but I have no idea how to put them into motion. I don't know where I want to start.

I told my friend Jeremy the other day that I wished someone would just sit me down and say "Angela, do this." But then I realized that I wouldn't be happy then either.

Maybe I'm just meant to be a bum. I think I would look cute peddling spare change wearing nothing but a gunnery sack. Don't you?

I know I have no right to be complaining really; I have friends who love me, a boyfriend who loves me more, and a family who leaves me the hell alone for the most part. ;] (I'm only kidding about that part; I love my family.) But, at the end of the day, it makes me feel a little better to let out my frustrations like this.

Oh well...sorry to have wasted your time ONCE again. That is, if there is actually someone reading this drivel. Who knows?

Le sigh...

It's true...
I'm crazy about you.

Wisdom

Yes..
I've got wit.
I've got jokes.
I've got tons of "I'm better than you." quotes...
I may appear to be ignorant.
I may seem cynical.
But you see...I'm not some cold-hearted, naive teenager full of angst anymore.
This is what happens when you choose to let it all go.
Whether I had a bottle, a cigarette, or a Bible in my hand...everything has led me to who I am right now.
I'm a whole new person with a whole new purpose in mind.
I would rather create something new, or fix what's broken, rather than just crawling and lying in my own bed of disaster.

When I was a child, my parents had many rules in our house. And when there was a rule, you followed it, no leave-way for almosts or maybes. If you ever let the words "I hate you!" flow from your mouth, they would make you write Proverbs.
Word.
For.
Word.
One night, frustrated with 13 year old drama, I said it.
I found out that my parents were not kidding about writing a whole book of the Bible.
All it talks about in Proverbs is wisdom...
...how to drink in everything your parents teach you...
...how to learn from the mistakes you make, and the mistakes you see other people make...
Whether or not you believe everything that is written in the Bible is not what's at hand. I have found from life's lessons though that learning from your past experiences are essential to making it in this world.

You know how stupid you look when you're wrong and everyone around you sees it?
If you'd have listened to what the teacher said that certain day...
If you'd have been more in tune with what's going on in the world...
If you'd had taken the advice your mom tried to give you that ONE time...
...you wouldn't look so foolish.


Basically, I brought all of this up just to say
No.
I am not wise by any means.
I still make mistakes on the DAILY.
I've become a pro at taking the simplest of tasks and contorting them into one big pile of MESS.
BUT
I learn.
I grow.
I take my mistakes and use them to mold me into the best Angela I can be.

If you don't have a clue who I am, or what I've been through, maybe you should take a moment before you judge me.
Keep your mouth shut when you don't know what you're talking about, or wisdom will end up laughing in your face.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

I’m sitting here in my room on a Wednesday morning with nothing but my laptop and a plethora of thoughts spinning about in my mind.

I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It’s a movie that came out in 2004…one of Jim Carey’s less publiscised movies based on the relationship he formed with Kate Winslett, or Clemintine, and how they both sought out to have each other erased from their memories after a fight.

I was sitting here thinking about it…would I want to have my memories erased, if presented the opportunity? I have always been a strong believer in everything happens for a reason…who you are is based on the people you encounter in your life, the circumstances you face and how you overcome them. But, if you had the chance to erase the most painful memories from your brain forever, would you? I am not sure what I would do.

I think back on the day Kim passed away…it hurts me almost every time I look back. But, that is the last memory I have of her. She was a big part in my life…one of the people that truly accepted me for who I am and was the closest thing to a mother figure I’ve ever had. Her chapter in my life was short, and it ended too soon…but I would not want my life story to be without it.

Then I think back on past relationships…I wasted almost three years on a guy that used me…why would I want to continually remind myself of what an idiot I was? The answer is I learned from that experience. I learned…I grew…I found new friends that mean the world to me. I can’t imagine myself without some of the relationships I’ve formed over these years and with forgetting the one that hurt me so, I would lose all of them too.

So, even though it would be so much easier to get rid of all the sad thoughts, the memories that make our hearts heavy, I wouldn’t do it. The contrast they make in our minds are so important…I mean, you remember how happy you were at prom because you also remember how stressful it was finding that dress, tanning everyday for months only to feel pale…all of the tiny annoyances that bug us so at the moment… and all of those little things completely go away the moment you step foot on the stage and feel truly beautiful.

If it weren’t for the moments in our life that we can look back on and say “I went through that. I went through it…and I SURVIVED.” We wouldn’t be the people we are today. Angela Wilson would not be Angela Wilson if it weren’t for all of her memories…the “good” or the “bad.”

“How happy is the blameless vessel’s lot? The world forgetting by the world forgot… Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind…Each prayer accepted, each wish resigned.” --Alexander Pope

I'm Lame

Technology...hates me...
It's been forever since I posted on here. The main reason behind this is my computer decided to spontaneously die. Yes. Die.
I really missed spilling out to this thing, whether or not you missed me. Haha.

So here's what's been going on with me:
Nothing.
My life is at a standstill. I have no idea what I want at the moment, other than some more tea in my glass. I can't see any further into the future than thirty minutes from now. I've never been like this. I've always had my life meticulously planned down to the smallest details. What has gotten me into this slump? You've got me! School is almost over for the semester...not like that matters to me, since I pretty much gave up. Yeah, I know. Shame, shame.
Some good things that are going for me right now:
One of my best friends (Alexia) is going to Troy now! I can NOT wait until she gets here. I love Jeremy and Michael, but they're men. Men absolutely REFUSE to talk about some things and that's where the girl comes in the picture! :)
Hopefully I will be moving soon. This apartment SUCKS.

That's about it I guess....see? Told ya nothing has been going on in my life! I will trying to post more...it might be from my phone, so I can't promise too much when it comes to the quality of said posts. xD
Anyway, much love.

Kicking Insomnia's Butt

I have never been one to sleep normally...I'm not even sure that sleep is an accurate description of what I do at night. It's more of a short period of time where I lose consciousness while wearing pajamas. Anyway, these habits have become even worse since I moved to Troy. I would stay up literally all night long, sleep from about 8 AM until lunch time, go to class (sometimes), and then repeat the process. After a while my body started giving out on me. I was constantly grouchy, my room stayed a mess, and I had terrible mood swings. I never understood what it meant to be physically and mentally exhausted until then.
These past few weeks I've been going to bed earlier and waking up around 6 AM every morning. With in the first few days of doing this, I saw an almost immediate change in my disposition. I became more sociable, it's easier for me to focus, and I just all around feel better. I honestly believe that getting a good night's sleep helped me out sooo much!
There are still a few issues I have right now that I think need more than 8 hours of rest at night to fix, and I have to schedule a doctor's appointment for them, but I'll discuss that at a later date.
Well, it's 10:30 right now and I'm feeling my eyes to start to droop, so I guess that means that I better hit the hay. It feels so nice to finally be able to sleep. (:

Ugh...

You look but you don't see.
You laugh, but it's strained.
You hear, but you're not listening.
You smile, but want to cry.

You're existing...not living.

That's how I feel currently. My life needs to change and it needs to change right now before I lose myself.

Angela Lynn Wilson. Girl of many hopes and dreams. I've lost sight of what I want.
I need direction.
I need to surface from this abyss it seems like I'm in.

I need change.

Inhabitants of My Heart

For the past few months I have been thinking a lot about the different people in my life and how they have affected me. The friends that come and go...the family that aggravates you to no end, but would give you the shirt of their back...basically the residents of you heart.

So many times words are left unsaid because we assume people just know. Well, I wanted to let my feelings be known to a few different people.

So this is not a typical blog. This is to you.



Lauren Scurlock
I met you at band camp almost five years ago. That's so hard to believe, isn't it? We survived Mrs. Waller's craziness and made it to high school. That's when the famous first words were spoken... "Hey Angela. I don't know anyone else, so I'm gonna walk with you."
From the beginning you understood all of my weird little quirks and you laughed at my corny jokes. That year you may have just been Kara's little sister to everyone else, but you were special to me. You were my best friend!
You were there for me when I needed you the most. When I needed to laugh and be silly, you always did crazy junk with me. Every time I called you in the middle of the night crying, you always answered and would just listen to me as I poured my heart out. You prayed for me when there was nothing else you could say. Most importantly...when I gave up on myself after Kim died, you held me together.
I know we don't get to talk to each other as much as we used to and I hate that. I wish I could see you everyday, if only just to say "Hey Ladyyy!" and hug you. I know the saying "All good things must come to an end." but I don't want our friendship to ever end. You will always be in my heart, and if you ever need me for anything, I'll be there in a heart beat. Lady and Starchild forever...and that's a fact! :)


Michael Mallet

You are my fast food connoisseur, accomplice on my midnight journeys to Montgomery, and the person I have the most inside jokes with.
Five years ago I never thought we would become as close as we are right now. Many play practices, lunches at Taco Bell, and trips without Jason's knowledge forged a friendship that can never be replicated.
I can talk to you about anything from "skraaaaaawberries" to religion all in the same night. You understand me and my weird ways and you're not afraid to tell me like it is when I need it. I love spending time with you, even if it's just driving around aimlessly listening to music.
A crush turned into a life long friend...
I don't tell you enough Michael, but you mean more to me than you'll ever know. I'll always love you Janksies.




Alexia Folsom

WE ARE FIERCE! :D

You were my best buddy in Physics, my worst nightmare in band, my personal decorator in my apartment, and one of the most special people in my heart.
It took us too long to get to know each other, but the time we have had is more precious to me than you'll ever know.
You make me laugh like no one else can, and you are probably the easiest person in the world to talk to.
We have been through some rough times...stuff I thought would change our friendship forever. It did, don't get me wrong...but I think it just made us closer. In that period of time I realized how much you meant to me and how my life wouldn't be the same without you in it.
Nothing can come between us again...no distance can keep us apart!
I love you all my heart ARF...and remember "Let it be..."



Hope Coleman

If someone would have told me a few years ago that we would be living together, I probably would have laughed at them. We've been friends for a long time, and only roommates for a few months...but Hope, you have become so special to me. You put up with me and my weird habits, you listen to me when I have a breakdown, and you make each day so special.
I am blessed to live with you. You're my roommate, my best friend, and my sister. These are going to be the best two years of my life, and I don't know how I am going to make it with out you. I love you so much Ho-Co.



Jeremy Harrod

Where do I even begin with you?

I can't even remember when you and I became friends, because it seems like you've been in my life forever. I can't imagine Angela with out a Jeremy. You know me better than any other person...better than myself sometimes. No other person can make me laugh so much, think so hard, get sooo mad, or make me forgive them just as quickly.
You moving to Troy with me was a blessing, but I don't know how I am going to manage when you move to Auburn. I don't even like to think about it.
I do know, however, that you will always be my best friend. We're not going to grow apart like some people do.
You're stuck with me forever boo. And you KNOW that I'm just speaking truth. :)



Anna McCurdy

You are closer to me than a friend, more special to me than family...I really don't know how to describe who you are with normal words. You're my Anna; a special kind of closeness that I can never share with anyone else.
We've had some awesome experiences together, "corrupting" each other along the way. I have some of my most special memories with you. We've helped each other get through what seemed like hell, and we still stood strong after it all passed.
It was once said "When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.” You are that person for me Anna. I love you more than you'll ever know, and thank God for putting you in my life.

2010 Thus Far...

My life is changing more and more each day.

Do I like it? Some days.
Can I do anything about it? Not at all.

The Angela you all grew up with is gone. She's never coming back.

Memories of high school and old friends pass through my mind daily and I wish I could have all of them back in my life, but we've all moved on.

I am uneasy with making new friends, because part of me doesn't want to make room for the new. It feels like I am a memory card in a PlayStation: I would have to delete an old file to add a new one.

I find it hard to be sociable. I used to love to sit and carry on conversations with people for hours on end...now the only people I do that with are Hope, Jeremy, and Michael. I feel like the only reason they listen to me is out of common courtesy sometimes. I don't think I could be my friend. (hahaha...)

Uncertainty is the biggest feeling in my life right now.

Music used to be my solace for when things got bad...it was what I turned to when I couldn't control anything else. Now it's the main cause of most of my stress.

I don't know what will come of 2010, but so far I am not pleased at all with what I'm working with.

[end melodramatic blog....NOW.]

Monday Musings

I really hate sitting back and not being able to help the people I love. It's not that I have to feel involved in every aspect of their lives, I just wish I could somehow take away their pain, if only for just a little while. I don't by any means think that I am stronger than them, but I would much rather fight through whatever they're dealing with than watching them hurt.

****

Today my friend Jeremy and I hung out with our other friend from back home. Her name is Whitney, and she and I have been friends ever since the sixth grade. We all went to get lunch together and we got to talking about how in high school we all used to say "We're not going to lose touch with you!" and all of that stuff. Here we are in our second semester here at Troy, and we all agreed that we have virtually lost all contact with people from back home...even the ones that were considered our best friends. It's a really sad thing to realize, but the even sadder part is that you weren't affected really. You sit back and it becomes clear that those people you thought were your friends for life don't make an effort to keep in touch with you, and it's okay! Your life moved on and you didn't even realize their absence until someone ELSE brought it to your attention.

It's funny how the things that used to matter so much have lost their meaning...

Work It

An out of shape insomniac with no motivation should not make a New Year's Resolution to go to the gym in the wee hours of the morning. I wish I could go back in time and share this tid-bit of information with myself at the beginning of the year.

I begrudgingly crawled out of the bed this morning at 6 am, threw on a ratty t-shirt and jeans, and trudged out into the subarctic temperatures that have decided to come to ALA-FREAKING-BAMA. I got to the gym and went inside to find it full of big, hairy, sweaty men that knew exactly what they were doing. I, however, have the technological skills of a cricket so I felt pretty dumb fiddling with the so called "treadmill" and trying to get it to turn on. (What happened to just walking on it and it moving?)

Several minutes later I finally got to rolling. Literally...rolling. I almost fell down because it caught me of guard going from stationary to Jesse Owens mode it 0.2 seconds. After I finally got the hang of it, I walked. And I walked. And I walked. Then I got on a bike and I pedaled, and pedaled, and pedaled.

The rest of the day I felt like I could pass out, pass out, pass out.

Later today, I kept falling asleep while I was taking notes in Biology. Normally the stimulating lectures on the Scientific Method keep me bright eyed and bushy tailed (insert scoff here) but today I just kept nodding off! I have little black lines all over my paper from where I would fall asleep in the middle of writing a word. The boy beside me probably thought I was a terrible mix between a narcoleptic and someone with Parkinson's disease...

The moral of the story is...
Never make New Year's Resolutions that conflict with the ways of nature.
For example: A fish should not say "This year I'm going to fly more than swim." or a squirrel shouldn't decide "Hey...I think I am going to try to take the freeway more often."
But most importantly...

Angela Wilson should not decide to go to the gym at the butt crack of dawn ever again.

School and Other Scholarly Things

January 8th, 2010...the first day of Spring Semester here at Troy University...

I have a good feeling about this year. Even though Troy was not my first college, I was still very nervous last semester about everything; would I be able to handle the classes? Would my professors be mean? Would I make any friends? I didn't have any traumatic experiences my first semester here, but this is what I did learn:

1.) Professors vary, but you have to take them with a grain of salt. The majority of them will go out of their way to help you succeed. (And if they don't, there are always those lovely teacher evaluation forms you can fill out. ;])

2.) As "mom like" as this sounds, friends are not the ones paying for my tuition...I don't need them to survive. If I make them, great, but I am not going to go out of my way to befriend Sally Sorority either. I have met some really great people, some whom I wish to keep in contact with for a long time. However, I MET them...I didn't find them.

3.) My biggest worry: Would I be able to handle the classes. I am not going to lie, I screwed around and I am having to retake a couple classes this semester. I am having to do this though because I did not take the work seriously. Every day I realize more and more exactly how much I can handle, and it's a lot! The classes are hard yes, but they can be conquered just like anything else!

I only have a few classes today, but I am excited! I felt like such a nerd putting all of my things together. I even got a pencil case to put all of my writing utensils in...haha.

[Umm...some sort of transition goes here, but I am not sure what, so yeah....bloop bloop bloop.]

I have an obsession for random quotes, so here a few of my favorites! (:

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is." --Oscar Wilde

"However rare true love may be, it is less so than true friendship." --François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

"Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily." --Napoleon

Well, since I do have school tomorrow, I should be going to bed I guess... thanks for reading! (whoever you are...)

Blog From the Bowl Game

first and foremost i would like to apologize for any and all grammatical errors. i am posting this from my cell phone, so no spell check...bummer. second, i would also like to apologize for this being entirely in lowercase letters; the "shift" button on my phone is in a weird place and i am too lazy to worry about it. but hey...it worked for e.e. cummings didn't it?

on to the real blog now.

as i am writing this, i am laying in my hotel bed frozen to death with excrutiating pain in my knee and feet. wait, let me back up.

i attend troy university--go trojans!! we are undefeated in the sunbelt conference so we were eligible to play in the gmac bowl game. naturally, the band was invited to come too, because what is trojan football without the sound of the south?? in preperation for this affair we had practice all day sunday...and let me tell you, i regret not practicing my trumpet over christmas break because my chops were not up to par. i could barely play an 'a' above the staff! (sorry for the trumpet speak...haha) anyway, after freezing and marching our asses off, we got to come home, sleep a few hours and do it alllll over again. we finally were able to head out towards mobile, alabama around 1:30 p.m. and we arrived around 4:30.

the game is tomorrow (wednesday) at 6 p.m. and it will be on espn. i ask all of you that can watch it, do...and if you tune in around halftime then you'll get to see our awesome band!!

despite my emmence amount of school pride and my passion for the band, i am so ready to get back home. i am dead on my feet...and cold.

also, i start classes again on friday. i am very excited about this semester. i made many poor choices last year and even though i can not change my past, i can learn from my mistakes and ensure an exceptional future for myself!

here's to the future! (:

Impossible Job

As you may or may not know, I am currently pursing my degree in Music Education. Day in and day out I am taught to...well, TEACH impressionable young minds an art. As I was sitting recovering from the mild heart attack I had when I checked the prices on my new text books, I had a thought. Normally I would have just pondered over it for a while, but since I have this "Plethora of Thoughts" at my fingertips, I decided to share it with you guys.

My job is impossible. I can not be a music "teacher."

Yes, I will have the means to show you how to play an instrument. I can explain to you the difference between duple and triple meter. I can even dabble you into music theory. But I can not teach you music.

Anyone can learn to play the guitar or trumpet if they so choose...the MUSIC comes in when you put feeling behind the notes.

If you are laying in bed at night thinking about how you could have played a certain piece of music better and you can't fall asleep until you get up and practice...

Or if you are sitting in the middle of Western Civilization II humming "Concert Etude" while simultaneously 'playing' it on your pencil...

THAT'S when you know you are hopelessly in love with what you do...and there is no possible way you can make anything BUT pure music.

So...what I am trying to say is I can never teach anyone to feel this way, I can only guide them as they teach themselves.

In Memory

My stepmother passed away on September 29, 2006. She was and still is the closest thing to a mother I have ever had. I will never understand why someone like her had to die so young, but I guess death never makes sense.

I wrote this shortly after the two year anniversary of her death.

The house, once filled with warmth and laughter, now sits empty and lifeless. One might peek through the shutters and mistake the inhabitants for people, but upon further inspection it becomes clear that they are no more than shells; artificial beings going through the daily motions of life. They once knew of love, hope, and happiness. They even knew of sadness and anger. Now, void of all emotion, they go about their lives pretending to be human. They used to be a family full of dreams. Their love was formed during hard times, which made it stronger and deeper than most. Love ran through their veins, and even when they were on the verge of breaking it held them together. As this family was traveling through life together, they came across this vast gap in their path. Not realizing what lay ahead of them, they kept pushing forward. Before they knew it, one of them was gone. When she was taken away, it broke the chain of the family, making it impossible for the other links to reconnect. The father was no longer a father; the daughter no longer a daughter. Now they sit with their eyes shut in the dark house, listening and waiting for some familiar voice to call out ''I'm home.'' But the only thing that can be heard is the beating of their hearts. This is the only reminder of their old life. The only reminder of good times...of love.

A New Year. A New Decade. A New...Blog?

I have been meaning to start a blog for a few weeks now, but I never got around to it mainly because I am...well, technologically retarded. I can turn my computer on and off, but that's about as far as it goes.
I also had concerns as to what I would say...or who would read it. I have many thoughts running about in my mind, but no way to gather them and write them down in an organized manner. There was a time when I kept a journal and it helped some what, but I always thought to myself "This is redundant Angela. You are writing to YOURSELF."

Then I had my "light-bulb moment." My panacea was to start blogging. The craze that is sweeping the nation and yet another addiction I will create for myself. (Like I needed another...)

If you decide to read my posts, I can promise you three things: they will be unorganized, unimportant, and one hundred percent me.

2010.
A time for new things.
Ready or not...here I come! :)