Amount to Something?

Okay...so I'm a jerk, and I'm a weirdo,
And even if I'm lucky I'll amount to zero,
But I thought that you'd love me anyway,
I'm so not even worth it,
But baby, no one's perfect,
Yeah I thought that you'd love me anyway,
Anyway...
"Anyway" by Wheatus

I'm in the slump of the century it seems like. Everyday I wake up hoping to know what I want out of my life, but nine times out of ten, I'm still just as clueless as the night before. I used to be the girl who knew everything she wanted, who had everything under control. As of late, I've turned into one of the people I used to make fun of; a melodramatic, angst-ridden teenager asking every five seconds "What is the purpose of my life?"

I have all of these dreams, all of these passions, but I have no idea how to put them into motion. I don't know where I want to start.

I told my friend Jeremy the other day that I wished someone would just sit me down and say "Angela, do this." But then I realized that I wouldn't be happy then either.

Maybe I'm just meant to be a bum. I think I would look cute peddling spare change wearing nothing but a gunnery sack. Don't you?

I know I have no right to be complaining really; I have friends who love me, a boyfriend who loves me more, and a family who leaves me the hell alone for the most part. ;] (I'm only kidding about that part; I love my family.) But, at the end of the day, it makes me feel a little better to let out my frustrations like this.

Oh well...sorry to have wasted your time ONCE again. That is, if there is actually someone reading this drivel. Who knows?

Le sigh...

It's true...
I'm crazy about you.

Wisdom

Yes..
I've got wit.
I've got jokes.
I've got tons of "I'm better than you." quotes...
I may appear to be ignorant.
I may seem cynical.
But you see...I'm not some cold-hearted, naive teenager full of angst anymore.
This is what happens when you choose to let it all go.
Whether I had a bottle, a cigarette, or a Bible in my hand...everything has led me to who I am right now.
I'm a whole new person with a whole new purpose in mind.
I would rather create something new, or fix what's broken, rather than just crawling and lying in my own bed of disaster.

When I was a child, my parents had many rules in our house. And when there was a rule, you followed it, no leave-way for almosts or maybes. If you ever let the words "I hate you!" flow from your mouth, they would make you write Proverbs.
Word.
For.
Word.
One night, frustrated with 13 year old drama, I said it.
I found out that my parents were not kidding about writing a whole book of the Bible.
All it talks about in Proverbs is wisdom...
...how to drink in everything your parents teach you...
...how to learn from the mistakes you make, and the mistakes you see other people make...
Whether or not you believe everything that is written in the Bible is not what's at hand. I have found from life's lessons though that learning from your past experiences are essential to making it in this world.

You know how stupid you look when you're wrong and everyone around you sees it?
If you'd have listened to what the teacher said that certain day...
If you'd have been more in tune with what's going on in the world...
If you'd had taken the advice your mom tried to give you that ONE time...
...you wouldn't look so foolish.


Basically, I brought all of this up just to say
No.
I am not wise by any means.
I still make mistakes on the DAILY.
I've become a pro at taking the simplest of tasks and contorting them into one big pile of MESS.
BUT
I learn.
I grow.
I take my mistakes and use them to mold me into the best Angela I can be.

If you don't have a clue who I am, or what I've been through, maybe you should take a moment before you judge me.
Keep your mouth shut when you don't know what you're talking about, or wisdom will end up laughing in your face.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

I’m sitting here in my room on a Wednesday morning with nothing but my laptop and a plethora of thoughts spinning about in my mind.

I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It’s a movie that came out in 2004…one of Jim Carey’s less publiscised movies based on the relationship he formed with Kate Winslett, or Clemintine, and how they both sought out to have each other erased from their memories after a fight.

I was sitting here thinking about it…would I want to have my memories erased, if presented the opportunity? I have always been a strong believer in everything happens for a reason…who you are is based on the people you encounter in your life, the circumstances you face and how you overcome them. But, if you had the chance to erase the most painful memories from your brain forever, would you? I am not sure what I would do.

I think back on the day Kim passed away…it hurts me almost every time I look back. But, that is the last memory I have of her. She was a big part in my life…one of the people that truly accepted me for who I am and was the closest thing to a mother figure I’ve ever had. Her chapter in my life was short, and it ended too soon…but I would not want my life story to be without it.

Then I think back on past relationships…I wasted almost three years on a guy that used me…why would I want to continually remind myself of what an idiot I was? The answer is I learned from that experience. I learned…I grew…I found new friends that mean the world to me. I can’t imagine myself without some of the relationships I’ve formed over these years and with forgetting the one that hurt me so, I would lose all of them too.

So, even though it would be so much easier to get rid of all the sad thoughts, the memories that make our hearts heavy, I wouldn’t do it. The contrast they make in our minds are so important…I mean, you remember how happy you were at prom because you also remember how stressful it was finding that dress, tanning everyday for months only to feel pale…all of the tiny annoyances that bug us so at the moment… and all of those little things completely go away the moment you step foot on the stage and feel truly beautiful.

If it weren’t for the moments in our life that we can look back on and say “I went through that. I went through it…and I SURVIVED.” We wouldn’t be the people we are today. Angela Wilson would not be Angela Wilson if it weren’t for all of her memories…the “good” or the “bad.”

“How happy is the blameless vessel’s lot? The world forgetting by the world forgot… Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind…Each prayer accepted, each wish resigned.” --Alexander Pope

I'm Lame

Technology...hates me...
It's been forever since I posted on here. The main reason behind this is my computer decided to spontaneously die. Yes. Die.
I really missed spilling out to this thing, whether or not you missed me. Haha.

So here's what's been going on with me:
Nothing.
My life is at a standstill. I have no idea what I want at the moment, other than some more tea in my glass. I can't see any further into the future than thirty minutes from now. I've never been like this. I've always had my life meticulously planned down to the smallest details. What has gotten me into this slump? You've got me! School is almost over for the semester...not like that matters to me, since I pretty much gave up. Yeah, I know. Shame, shame.
Some good things that are going for me right now:
One of my best friends (Alexia) is going to Troy now! I can NOT wait until she gets here. I love Jeremy and Michael, but they're men. Men absolutely REFUSE to talk about some things and that's where the girl comes in the picture! :)
Hopefully I will be moving soon. This apartment SUCKS.

That's about it I guess....see? Told ya nothing has been going on in my life! I will trying to post more...it might be from my phone, so I can't promise too much when it comes to the quality of said posts. xD
Anyway, much love.

Kicking Insomnia's Butt

I have never been one to sleep normally...I'm not even sure that sleep is an accurate description of what I do at night. It's more of a short period of time where I lose consciousness while wearing pajamas. Anyway, these habits have become even worse since I moved to Troy. I would stay up literally all night long, sleep from about 8 AM until lunch time, go to class (sometimes), and then repeat the process. After a while my body started giving out on me. I was constantly grouchy, my room stayed a mess, and I had terrible mood swings. I never understood what it meant to be physically and mentally exhausted until then.
These past few weeks I've been going to bed earlier and waking up around 6 AM every morning. With in the first few days of doing this, I saw an almost immediate change in my disposition. I became more sociable, it's easier for me to focus, and I just all around feel better. I honestly believe that getting a good night's sleep helped me out sooo much!
There are still a few issues I have right now that I think need more than 8 hours of rest at night to fix, and I have to schedule a doctor's appointment for them, but I'll discuss that at a later date.
Well, it's 10:30 right now and I'm feeling my eyes to start to droop, so I guess that means that I better hit the hay. It feels so nice to finally be able to sleep. (:

Ugh...

You look but you don't see.
You laugh, but it's strained.
You hear, but you're not listening.
You smile, but want to cry.

You're existing...not living.

That's how I feel currently. My life needs to change and it needs to change right now before I lose myself.

Angela Lynn Wilson. Girl of many hopes and dreams. I've lost sight of what I want.
I need direction.
I need to surface from this abyss it seems like I'm in.

I need change.